I was taking a walk in a shopping mall and, since I had the time for myself, I started thinking on my fears – many of which are in relation to my previous post. My reason for this at first was to figure out how to get to the core of each of them and begin a process of healing and growth.
As I was mentally engaging in these fears and having them surface almost all at once, my whole body started screaming with cramps and spasms. That’s how I knew that these fears were bent on staying. They clearly didn’t like being seen, especially by myself. They also weren’t ready to leave at all. They festered in all the dark corners, providing me with places to run to in order to justify not having to deal with many situations. Having your demons play reverse psychology on you is never a good feeling.
Now, a couple of months ago, I had a dream wherein I saw myself in a very desirable state. I was completely free – free from my own fears, free from systems, free from anything and everything that could ever hold me down. I was fully at peace with myself, I was totally satisfied, I was happy and I was exactly who I was supposed to be.
I woke up from that dream so focused and motivated to change myself into that person, but there was a catch that I didn’t see at that time. I had the idea that it would somehow just happen, that everything around me would naturally fall in alignment, and that I would out of natural course of time become this amazing person, and I was willing to sacrifice a lot to get there as well. I was willing to cause some damage and create distance with many people that I’ve held close.
While I was busy thinking about all of these fears, I realised that I was constantly using these fears sources to justify a lot of passivity in my life. There was always a reason to not engage, to not move forward, to not take the risk, to not take the leap of faith. These justifications ranged from random projects that I kept myself busy with, issues with the right timing, other priorities, etc.
The catch that didn’t quite surface with my waking up from the dream was that I would have to face all of my fears in order to become that person. Now working through fears is quite an amazing thing. Having a space wherein you can be vulnerable while being honoured and respected, having mentors, friends and inspirational people speak into that place in life where you’re stuck in a dark hole with no idea how to get out, or simply lacking in the courage to do so, is something definitely worth investing in. But you’d have to prepare yourself for a massive can of worms to be opened up for you to sort out that part of your life. It’s almost as terrifying as it is amazing.
The other part of what I realised that would be necessary for me to actually move into that place of inner battle was that I was the one that would have to make the decision to actually face my demons. Others could try and inspire and motivate me, and I could watch motivational videos of people overcoming their fears, but I’m the only one who could convince myself to become driven.
And me facing my fears already started there – accepting that I have responsibility to move into action by myself. I can’t have others snatch my fears away because firstly, it’s not their ‘property’ and not their responsibility, and secondly, even if that worked, it would never help me becoming able to manage myself in the midst of the fears in any case.
In facing these fears in terms of managing myself, it doesn’t mean that I’ll necessarily be able to stand on my own. It would be crucial to my victory to have people around me that can keep me up and keep me going whenever I take a fall. It’s a war with many battles, and for some of the battles, I might end up second, but then having people help me stand up straight in order for me to prepare myself to head back in, it’s something we’re wired for. The fighting for the most part is a one-man-job, but going to war without medics to help you out and tend to your wounds when you’re already sweating blood is just stupid.
In reading through this, I would encourage you to arm yourself. Get people around you that don’t just spectate, because those people just add to the anxieties, but get people that jump into the arena with you, people who are willing to remind you of the powerful person you are when you’re in the midst of feeling lost, weak and abandoned. Get people who knows what it’s like to face fears and take the punches that come with it. You’re the one making the choice to enter the battle. Be wise in choosing who you allow to have an influence on your choice.
Facing the fears is worth the fight. It has to be. Becoming truly free and moving into the direction that you’re designed to without having things holding you back, it just has to be worth it. Even if you end up crawling there, it will be better than standing still and staring with hopelessness at the road ahead where you’re supposed to be walking.